Thursday, January 5, 2012

I pray I brought Him glory

I don't often get "preachy" on my blog, mainly because that's not my main intention for keeping one, but today I need to share. Whether I hit "publish" on this post or not, my soul is stirring and I need to write it down.

*****

I did something today that I didn't think I could do. I didn't think I was ready for it, but it was sort of thrust upon me and I didn't want to chicken out. Though at first I did TRY to chicken out, I still found myself loading everyone up in the car and going anyway. I was led. My heart and flesh were saying "no, not yet. I can't take it right now" but like I said, something else, Someone else, was moving my feet and directing my actions.

You see, my phone rang just as I was about to lay down to take a quick nap (it'd been a looong night with McClain since his molars are coming in). It took me so long to get to it that I actually missed the call. But I called her right back. On the other end my dear friend was frantic. Someone had unexpectedly gone into labor and she was rushing to the hospital to meet them. That part was normal enough, but it was what she continued to explain that had me shaking in my boots.

This poor mother was about to give birth to a baby that wouldn't live longer than 5 to 10 minutes if that. And my friend wanted to be there to do what she could to help ease the pain and burden of this grieving family. And she called me. She'd called me A.) because she knew I'd walked those same footsteps almost 5 years ago. But B.) she knew I had a nice enough camera and so-called "know how" to try to capture what few moments and memories could be caught. So even though my heart was saying "no", I found myself saying "I'm on the way" and loading everyone up in the car.

Interestingly enough, earlier in the morning as I'd dropped off Caroline at school the radio DJ had quoted a verse, a well known verse, but he did so in a completely different way than what I'd understood it to be until now. (God was setting the scene for the rest of my day. I just didn't know it yet. ) The verse was Romans 8:28.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who've been called according to His purposes."

And what the DJ pointed out, earlier in the a.m. mind you, was that not all things are going to be "good" for us, Christians included. Some things will go bad, horribly bad. But rather this verse reminds us that God is faithful enough to not let even the bad things go to waste and remain hurtful, pointless experiences. Rather He allows them to be used for His glory. And this was one of those times.

I'm not going to lie. It's one of the hardest things I've done yet--taking pictures of/for a grieving family with their tiny little infant who was already in heaven. And I wish I could say that I'd spoken to them boldly in my faith, or that I'd shared with them my story of how I'd been there too. But I can't. Because I didn't. I hid behind my camera, as I so often do in my too-self-aware/socially awkward state, and just snapped pictures. And since I'm completely confessing here, at one point I thought "at least you'll have pictures of your little one. I don't even had that." And then I was immediately mad at myself for thinking it. But that was just it. That was my gift, if you can call it that, to them. To a mother so heavily sedated that she won't remember, to grandparents who are grandparents with no one to spoil. At least they have pictures.

And God faithfully continues to use my wounds, my "bad" experiences, for His glory. I have to trust that He'll use those pictures for His glory as well. Who knows if I'll ever see or hear from these parents again. I know they have my number. And just as I am here typing all of this out, Bible splayed out so I could accurately quote the verse, my SK climbs up in my lap. "Read to me Mama. Read to me what you're reading." And so I did. I got the privilege to read to my child a verse I'd clung to when I was pregnant with her and her twin sister. He's still using my experiences to bring His children, MY children to Himself. What a sweet sweet joy in the midst of so much pain.

It shouldn't have surprised me then that she flipped through my Bible at random and landed on the next verse either. Psalm 89:1 "I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations."

The next generations...I pray for that family, that they'll find healing and peace; that they'll find Jesus, His love for them and His faithfulness in the midst of such great sorrow and pain. And I thank God for His faithfulness to me, to MY generations that crawl up in my lap and ask to be read to from His Word, and for allowing me to be a part of His story.

And now I'm going to click publish before I lose the guts to do so, and just let this hide away as a draft forever.


16 comments:

Lisa said...

This gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. I'm pretty sure you did bring Him glory!!

Nadia Cannizzo said...

:(

JennyKozar said...

What a kind and generous gift you gave to that family. You were a tremendous blessing to them and I am sure they will never forget your kindness.

Virginia said...

I love your heart so much, my friend. Thanks for being transparent. I love you. I'm bawling.

the Nest Keeper said...

Dearest God in Heaven i love you......
I am bawling my eyes out now, after having "braved it" all day. You are the real deal. Your God is the Real Deal. Your friendship is the real deal. Never in my life have i been so glad to have you by my side. (or behind the camera:)
You have not wasted your awful pain, and in the midst of all the emotions of today, you are living out to one awfully cute little blond head of yours sitting in your lap, the great sanctity of HER own twin sister's life and how much SHE mattered....dots she would never be able to connect on her own in a way that you LIVED out in front of her young mind. I'm so proud of you.
You are my hero, Dee. I mean that. I love you.
~t

Aphra said...

You beautiful soul, you! Th enters are streaming down my face as I read your amazing testimony and wisdom and God's love and mercy and kindness. Thank you for pushing publish! <3

Cari D. Cruse said...

I am so glad you clicked "publish" - and so glad you heard His voice and made the hard choice to obey. God bless!

Jason and Gretchen said...

Thank you for this post, I was praying for you guys all day and didn't even know why.

the Nest Keeper said...

because, Gretch..... God is Cool like that.
YOU mean the world to me, as well.
i love you for having such a sensitive heart and praying....even without reason.

t

Stacey Michaud said...

what a gift you gave them...honestly, they will so appreciate it at some point...everyday. I am so happy you had the strength. I understand based on my sister and it is so hard. Bless you!

Wilkie said...

You are beautiful and loved.

krumeluran said...

You are such a sweet person D.
Im so proud calling you my friend.

//Kat

Carol said...

thank you for sharing that Deanna! I can't imagine what that must have felt like....but oh what a gift to those grieving parents. And such a selfless act on your part. You are such a beautiful girl ;)

amber@This Mommy Cooks said...

You are amazing, I don't know that I could have held myself together enough to take picture.

GabyCreates.com said...

With tears in my eyes (and a runny nose!) Thank YOU for clicking publish!

Izzyb said...

This moved me so much. Thank you for being brave enough to hit publish. Beautiful and sad, just like life sometimes.